Forbidden food: the day in the life of an anorexia sufferer.
Waking up. Hunger pangs. To the kitchen for coffee, no breakfast.
This is always how my morning starts when I relapse. Lately this has been my life once again. I’m sick of this happening time and time again, but yet here I am, restricting, counting every morsel that I put in my mouth, counting every step I make, double checking to make sure I’ve burned enough.
It’s tiring, exhausting, hard work, yet I still must do it. Because my brain says if I don’t no one will like me, that people will deem me too large for society’s expectations of what I should look like.
Every moment I’m thinking of food. What I can eat. What I can’t eat. What I will eat. What I won’t eat.
To uni I go, full of caffeine and water. Occasionally a bag of low calorie popcorn if I’m feeling adventurous. I can barely think or follow what the teachers are saying, I can’t concentrate because all I care about is how I look or how much weight I should lose. I say 3kg then I’ll stop. Then another 3kg. Then 3 more and so on and so on until my legs don’t work, my heart slows down, my hair falls out, my skin is bad, I grow cold all the time.
Next stop the supermarket. My most dangerous enemy. So many danger foods. I trapse around looking at every single thing. Checking calories. Taking it off the shelf then putting it back on. Then off and on again until I end up leaving it on there. I avoid aisle where danger foods look, I stick to the fruit and veg aisle, the noodle and cracker isle. I check, check and check again how many calories are in what I’m purchasing. I spend 30-40 minutes deciding what I want, no, what I will or am allowed to eat. It’s not much. It’s not healthy. Yet here I am. Doing the same thing again.
The walk home is tiring. I can barely move my legs. My head is fuzzy and I feel sick. Finally I reach home and put everything away. I sit down to a small salad, with two crackers. This is all I will have. No more. I’m not allowed to. Because anorexia controls what I eat, when I eat or if I eat at all.
Bed time comes. Finally. I’ve spent hours trying to work but I’m too tired and cold to think. So instead I scroll through YouTube watching cooking and food tasting videos. It’s torture. Self inflicted. A here’s what you could’ve won type thing. I lay in bed shivering due to the lack of food. My body is trying to stay warm. I toss and turn until I finally find sleep. I dream of eating food and I wake up in a cold sweat, panicking that I’ve over eaten again. Ending the day with 1100 calories, 200 or so burned and 880 so total. It’s not enough but it makes me feel better.
It’s a hard life to live, it’s miaercalw. It’s not glamorous or fun. Anyone can be affected by it. Maybe you’re reading this and you are. Seeking help is hard, considering that they don’t help you until you’re already quite ill and underweight. So you carry on until recovery from such a problem becomes harder and harder the more weight you lose.
One day I hope I will be free of this but it seems unlikely the longer it goes on. I’m aware of the damage it does, yet I don’t care. Nothing will stop my persuit of thinness. I desire to be the skinniest one in the room. If I can’t be the smartest one in the room, you’re damn sure I’m going to be the thinnest.
I apologise if this is too depressing to read. I’ll write a happier post next time. But I just wanted to share with you what a day in the life is like. I’m currently struggling with this, as is obvious and known by many around me, but there’s little help out there due to the fact my BMI isn’t 17 or under. It’s around 21 (55kg). So whilst I’m not in physical danger, not yet, I am mentally suffering.
This isn’t about vanity despite many misconceptions. It’s about controlling something when everything else is out of my control. About being the skinniest one because you’re not good enough at anything or as thin as you should be to be considered beautiful.
After sleeping and waking up all night I am ready to do it all again.
(Please don’t worry about me. I am seeking help. I just wanted you to see what a day is like from my view point)
Wednesday, 27 February 2019
Thursday, 29 September 2016
A long absence has ended: sad things and the happy things too.
It really has been a long, long time since I updated this (around 8 months I think), as my year abroad is coming up, I wanted to reactivate thing, but first I will explain why I have been inactive here. It's something very personal and very close to me, but I feel ready to share it with the wider world, get ready as it is going to be a long one (get a cuppa and a biscuit)
Things have been great with my eating (I have recently gone vegan, yay!!!) and I am so so proud of the progress that I have made in regards to that. However in march or so, my mood began to shift. I noticed I felt down far more often, I did not want to leave the house. I did not want to talk to people. I slept a lot and hardly did any work. All I could think of was how terrible I was, how stupid and unworthy of my university place I was, how worthless and pointless my life was. I would cut myself more often and sit in my room and drink wine and cider, sometimes I would just get drunk alone. I had days where I felt rosy, like life was ok, but it would always end quicker than it ever lasted. March and April are such a blur in my mind, I cannot remember much as I did not pay attention to things, I did not care enough to.
Then came May and June, which of course brung exams. I was in a panic, I could not cope. Having had to deal with anorexia in the first semester and now a worsening mood condition, I felt like I had no chance of success. I was not smart enough to succeed, I may as well drop out, run away or even die, I felt lonely, worried, panicked, worthless and unlovable. I just chalked it up to normal exam stress, but this really was not the case. In hindsight, I can see this was just a precursor to what happened to me in the end of june and start of july. I take all my exams, in various states of anxiety. I had tried to revise for them all, but it usually ended in tears. I was not as good as any of my friends or classmates, my life was not as valuable as theirs so why should I bother anyway? On one exam I stared at the wall for an hour until I could leave, I did not answer a single question. I could not even cry afterwards, I was so numb and defeated. My body and mind had given up completely and nothing mattered. Waiting for the results killed me, I cried and worried so often I cannot even tell you. Then rolls around the day of my results, I do not want to go, I feel sick. Like if I go and get them I'm suddenly going to die. But, I do, I go, slightly tipsy, feeling like I won't be able to face it sober, My average and grades are not good, I stared at this number and I just felt empty, here was the numerical proof that me and my efforts were all totally worthless. Why bother? You can't do it. You don't have friends anyway. Nobody cares, why keep living. I heard that on a daily basis, until it got too much to me and I attempted to overdose on fluoxetine, not once, but twice in one week in fact. Physically, it did no damage to me, but mentally it has scarred me so much. I forget most of what happened in the hospital, just mostly lying down, staring at the walls, feeling like I was a failure even at dying. What use was I, I cannot even die properly, was a key thought. I was allowed out both times and thankfully I was not forcibly hospitalised, or I likely would be unable to do my year abroad. I do remember watching youtube (anyone who knows me youtube is my life) even in that time, thanks to funny gamers such as jacksepticeye, pewdiepie and the yogscast, I was able to laugh a little bit and feel less empty and in despair.
While I said it has not physically effected me, it has certainly left many emotional scars on my brain. Ranging from guilt to hurting other people, to anger that I cannot even succeed at things which seem so easy. It's not a choice or an event I am proud of, it's something I regret every day of my life. Because of this I caused my family and friends to worry for me, I risked all the things I had dreamed of as a child (languages have been my passion from a young age), my children would never be born, my spouse would never marry me, I would never get to see or do so many of the things. Because of this, one of the people I was very close to this year, will now no longer speak to me because of the upset I cause them (I still miss them very much, they know who they are) and I will never get to apologise to them, I will have to live with this forever. I thought things would never get better and that I would just keep doing it until one day I did not have to. Once again, I have indeed been proved wrong and very happily so. Since then, I have been put on new medication, my family and friends have given so much support and comfort, I cannot thank them enough. I was medically cleared to go on my year abroad and while things have not been perfect, they really do prove that life is worth living.
I want to share this so no one else there ever has to make this stupid and foolish choice that I made, please, do not do it. It is not worth it, I promise. Seek help from friends, family, doctors, psychiatrists. These sort of conditions cannot be fought alone, you need other people, which is something I have had to accept and learn that asking for help is ok and not weak at all. Mental health is crucial, it is not to be stigmatised at all, it is real and dangerous when not cared for properly. Please treat it and treat people kindly, even if you do not like them, you do not know for sure what battle goes on in their brains. I hope that people out there will feel encouraged that even someone like me has managed to crawl away from something as awful as this, which means YOU can too. Even if you just need someone to talk to, whether it is me or someone else, just do it, I promise. Do it for your family, your friends, yourself, your future self as well. You are not alone in this.
Now that I have all the sad things out of the way, I can look to the happy and exciting news of the future. On the 1st of October I go to russia for 3 months! I will be in Petrozavodsk and I shall update this blog as often as time and internet connection allows. I shall also, probably be starting a vlog on YouTube, to show people what Russia and my life is like. If I get a decent enough computer in the future, I'll even play a game or two. I've always wanted to make content to help people through a bad time, where they can learn something new and be entertained so this could be the start of that dream. I'm hoping people will watch it. I also went to my first MCM and i58 and I met the YogsCast twice there! It was a real dream come true, I love these guys so much and I owe them a lot, for helping me laugh in the dark times. I am hoping to meet them a 3rd time (hopefully Jacksepticeye one day too!) with my brother in tow.
This is the end of this particular entry, I hope you learned something reading and felt happy by the end, that someone recovered from a bad event, showing you really can get through anything in life. It would not be a true Stacey post, if there were no memes included, please enjoy the following pictures which I love, for no real reason at all. See you next time, with an update on Russia (and maybe youtube)
Things have been great with my eating (I have recently gone vegan, yay!!!) and I am so so proud of the progress that I have made in regards to that. However in march or so, my mood began to shift. I noticed I felt down far more often, I did not want to leave the house. I did not want to talk to people. I slept a lot and hardly did any work. All I could think of was how terrible I was, how stupid and unworthy of my university place I was, how worthless and pointless my life was. I would cut myself more often and sit in my room and drink wine and cider, sometimes I would just get drunk alone. I had days where I felt rosy, like life was ok, but it would always end quicker than it ever lasted. March and April are such a blur in my mind, I cannot remember much as I did not pay attention to things, I did not care enough to.
Then came May and June, which of course brung exams. I was in a panic, I could not cope. Having had to deal with anorexia in the first semester and now a worsening mood condition, I felt like I had no chance of success. I was not smart enough to succeed, I may as well drop out, run away or even die, I felt lonely, worried, panicked, worthless and unlovable. I just chalked it up to normal exam stress, but this really was not the case. In hindsight, I can see this was just a precursor to what happened to me in the end of june and start of july. I take all my exams, in various states of anxiety. I had tried to revise for them all, but it usually ended in tears. I was not as good as any of my friends or classmates, my life was not as valuable as theirs so why should I bother anyway? On one exam I stared at the wall for an hour until I could leave, I did not answer a single question. I could not even cry afterwards, I was so numb and defeated. My body and mind had given up completely and nothing mattered. Waiting for the results killed me, I cried and worried so often I cannot even tell you. Then rolls around the day of my results, I do not want to go, I feel sick. Like if I go and get them I'm suddenly going to die. But, I do, I go, slightly tipsy, feeling like I won't be able to face it sober, My average and grades are not good, I stared at this number and I just felt empty, here was the numerical proof that me and my efforts were all totally worthless. Why bother? You can't do it. You don't have friends anyway. Nobody cares, why keep living. I heard that on a daily basis, until it got too much to me and I attempted to overdose on fluoxetine, not once, but twice in one week in fact. Physically, it did no damage to me, but mentally it has scarred me so much. I forget most of what happened in the hospital, just mostly lying down, staring at the walls, feeling like I was a failure even at dying. What use was I, I cannot even die properly, was a key thought. I was allowed out both times and thankfully I was not forcibly hospitalised, or I likely would be unable to do my year abroad. I do remember watching youtube (anyone who knows me youtube is my life) even in that time, thanks to funny gamers such as jacksepticeye, pewdiepie and the yogscast, I was able to laugh a little bit and feel less empty and in despair.
While I said it has not physically effected me, it has certainly left many emotional scars on my brain. Ranging from guilt to hurting other people, to anger that I cannot even succeed at things which seem so easy. It's not a choice or an event I am proud of, it's something I regret every day of my life. Because of this I caused my family and friends to worry for me, I risked all the things I had dreamed of as a child (languages have been my passion from a young age), my children would never be born, my spouse would never marry me, I would never get to see or do so many of the things. Because of this, one of the people I was very close to this year, will now no longer speak to me because of the upset I cause them (I still miss them very much, they know who they are) and I will never get to apologise to them, I will have to live with this forever. I thought things would never get better and that I would just keep doing it until one day I did not have to. Once again, I have indeed been proved wrong and very happily so. Since then, I have been put on new medication, my family and friends have given so much support and comfort, I cannot thank them enough. I was medically cleared to go on my year abroad and while things have not been perfect, they really do prove that life is worth living.
I want to share this so no one else there ever has to make this stupid and foolish choice that I made, please, do not do it. It is not worth it, I promise. Seek help from friends, family, doctors, psychiatrists. These sort of conditions cannot be fought alone, you need other people, which is something I have had to accept and learn that asking for help is ok and not weak at all. Mental health is crucial, it is not to be stigmatised at all, it is real and dangerous when not cared for properly. Please treat it and treat people kindly, even if you do not like them, you do not know for sure what battle goes on in their brains. I hope that people out there will feel encouraged that even someone like me has managed to crawl away from something as awful as this, which means YOU can too. Even if you just need someone to talk to, whether it is me or someone else, just do it, I promise. Do it for your family, your friends, yourself, your future self as well. You are not alone in this.
Now that I have all the sad things out of the way, I can look to the happy and exciting news of the future. On the 1st of October I go to russia for 3 months! I will be in Petrozavodsk and I shall update this blog as often as time and internet connection allows. I shall also, probably be starting a vlog on YouTube, to show people what Russia and my life is like. If I get a decent enough computer in the future, I'll even play a game or two. I've always wanted to make content to help people through a bad time, where they can learn something new and be entertained so this could be the start of that dream. I'm hoping people will watch it. I also went to my first MCM and i58 and I met the YogsCast twice there! It was a real dream come true, I love these guys so much and I owe them a lot, for helping me laugh in the dark times. I am hoping to meet them a 3rd time (hopefully Jacksepticeye one day too!) with my brother in tow.
This is the end of this particular entry, I hope you learned something reading and felt happy by the end, that someone recovered from a bad event, showing you really can get through anything in life. It would not be a true Stacey post, if there were no memes included, please enjoy the following pictures which I love, for no real reason at all. See you next time, with an update on Russia (and maybe youtube)
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| Of course, a Harambe one |
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| A face morph of my dog, Winston and Harambe |
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| A face morph of Argus Filch and Mrs Norris |
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| And of course my one and only, Danny DeVito. |
Monday, 15 February 2016
Wow, it's been around 4 months since I last updated, I'm so sorry everyone for my lack of updating. I'll explain why now.
From around November things started to get much worse, I was restricting more than I had ever in my life. I was barely eating over 600-700 calories at best, which is similar to the rations people have been fed in concentration camps, to put it in perspective, 1200/1500 is needed for someone of my age to sustain life. I could hardly move as I had no energy, I felt ill, depressed, hungry, my weight dropped to around 43.9kg. I didn't go out, socialise. I was more miserable than I had ever been, I was hurting myself, I wanted to drop out of university and worst of all (and most terrifying) I thought about ending my own life. Christmas came as was a hard time for me, socialising around food was something that scared and still does scare me.
Then, somehow, I managed to change things. Well, at least a little bit. I can safely say that I eat normal portions and my weight has gone up to my previous healthy weight of 50kg or so. I've even been out and eaten meals with my friends and just yesterday, I went on a night out, something my anorexic brain does not usually allow me. While this has still been an incredibly difficult time, with resurfaces and resurgence of anorexic and depressive thoughts, I feel like thinks are on the up for sure. I'm on my meds again, and once they kick in properly it should help me to feel less on edge and depressed. I've still missed a lot of classes, especially the last two weeks as they've been very rocky for me. But, I know with a little more hard work and support from my friends, I can do it .
Thanks to my teachers for being understanding and not shouting at me for never being in class and not doing much work last semester 😂
Shout out to all of my wonderful friends, you know who you are, you're so incredibly important to me. I credit each and every one of you for helping me get through semester and keeping me alive, thanks for putting up with my incessant shit that I chat and my terribly warped sense of humour. Shout out also goes to my family as well for putting up and supporting me over Christmas, you're all wonderful and I don't deserve your support really, friends or family, since this has made me really treat some of you quite awfully. I'm sorry I let this get in the way, I'm honestly working so hard to beat this and my issues now. I'm properly engaging in the therapy I'm being given and I can feel improvements being made. Thanks for all your support ❤️❤️
P.S I passed all my exams and coursework despite the shitstorm that was my life back then, hoping to smash this semester and NEVER revert back to my old ways (but I can't make any solid promises)
P.P.S I will also actually update this blog now, sorry for being an arse and leaving it blank, I've explained why and hopeful I can keep you all updated with recovery progress highs and lows :)
From around November things started to get much worse, I was restricting more than I had ever in my life. I was barely eating over 600-700 calories at best, which is similar to the rations people have been fed in concentration camps, to put it in perspective, 1200/1500 is needed for someone of my age to sustain life. I could hardly move as I had no energy, I felt ill, depressed, hungry, my weight dropped to around 43.9kg. I didn't go out, socialise. I was more miserable than I had ever been, I was hurting myself, I wanted to drop out of university and worst of all (and most terrifying) I thought about ending my own life. Christmas came as was a hard time for me, socialising around food was something that scared and still does scare me.
Then, somehow, I managed to change things. Well, at least a little bit. I can safely say that I eat normal portions and my weight has gone up to my previous healthy weight of 50kg or so. I've even been out and eaten meals with my friends and just yesterday, I went on a night out, something my anorexic brain does not usually allow me. While this has still been an incredibly difficult time, with resurfaces and resurgence of anorexic and depressive thoughts, I feel like thinks are on the up for sure. I'm on my meds again, and once they kick in properly it should help me to feel less on edge and depressed. I've still missed a lot of classes, especially the last two weeks as they've been very rocky for me. But, I know with a little more hard work and support from my friends, I can do it .
Thanks to my teachers for being understanding and not shouting at me for never being in class and not doing much work last semester 😂
Shout out to all of my wonderful friends, you know who you are, you're so incredibly important to me. I credit each and every one of you for helping me get through semester and keeping me alive, thanks for putting up with my incessant shit that I chat and my terribly warped sense of humour. Shout out also goes to my family as well for putting up and supporting me over Christmas, you're all wonderful and I don't deserve your support really, friends or family, since this has made me really treat some of you quite awfully. I'm sorry I let this get in the way, I'm honestly working so hard to beat this and my issues now. I'm properly engaging in the therapy I'm being given and I can feel improvements being made. Thanks for all your support ❤️❤️
P.S I passed all my exams and coursework despite the shitstorm that was my life back then, hoping to smash this semester and NEVER revert back to my old ways (but I can't make any solid promises)
P.P.S I will also actually update this blog now, sorry for being an arse and leaving it blank, I've explained why and hopeful I can keep you all updated with recovery progress highs and lows :)
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
Difficult days and general rambles
Sorry for not posting for a few days, I planned to post on the weekend but on Saturday I was working at Oktoberfest all day and I felt so tired and swamped on Sunday that I decided to just rest. This week I have a reading week so no classes, but plenty of work to be getting on with! I've got to write some German pretend job application as it is coursework and I am waiting on my results for my Russian-English translation coursework, after looking at my friends' work I feel as if I will have failed miserably.
The past few days have been super super difficult. I managed to be restriction free for a week, but on Friday I started restricting again, although today I have been eating quite normally so far so fingers crossed. I feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to keep my streak going, but as I have said before, I cannot expect to reverse all of this immediately. I hate that this is such a big part of my life, I hate that it worms its way back in in any which way it can. I hate that this has controlled me for so long and it still does all the time. Even though I promote body positivity among my friends and a healthy lifestyle, to do this myself is nigh impossible. It's like having a friend with you all the time, but the friend is a really horrible nasty person who is rude to you, belittles you for taking care of yourself. You would not let someone do that to you, but yet I let myself do it to myself every day. It is odd, how we as humans, never seem to be able to take our own advice when it applies to us. I guess it is just that I do not want other people to feel the way I do, so I try and protect them from this sort of thing. Even if it is too late for me, it is not too late for them to nip it in the bud. If any of you feel as if you are wanting to diet excessively, overexercise, feel guilty for eating....please seek help as soon as you can. If you feel these sort of thoughts creeping in to your brain, then please please, I beg you to seek help as soon as you notice it. It really is not worth giving up your life, social life, work etc for the sake of being skinny and sick. It won't make you happy, and I am speaking from a place of knowledge.
I am not really sure what else I can say, as my life has been so uneventful lately. But I have set myself a little goal: Before the end of the semester, I want to be able to go to a restaurant, eat food and socialise without guilt, distress or restricting/compensatory behaviours. It seems so normal and silly to the rest of you, I bet, but it is a scary thing for me to do. Restaurants intimidate me, I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me based on what I am eating and my weight, so I will keep the updates coming in regards to if I meet this goal.
I think tomorrow, I am going to post about something I call "skinny searching". I've wanted to talk and explain this for a while and it seems like the time now. I also plan to explain my love for Frozen as well and how stuff like YouTube/Film/Books have been an inspiration source to me and a support resource. Also, I kinda want to start doing some vloggs (if I only I had a fucking camera and editing software) and/or singing covers as well, as they are passions for me and stuff I am interested in. Maybe I will make language posts/year abroad prep posts. I want to branch out my blog to more cheerful things, so it won't be so depressing.
RANDOM NOTE: As anyone who knows me well, they know how much I LOVE LOVE cereal. Well I went to tesco last night and bought Reeses puffs cereal....THAT'S RIGHT. CEREAL MADE FROM REESES. I watched a YouTuber, Mike Jeavons (check it out, he is super super funny) try it and say it was salty....I bought it, because I did not think it was possible for cereal to be salty. Well he was correct, it is salty. I would rate it a 4.5/10 on the cereal scale. It is a bigger disappointment than I am.
That's all I can find in me to post today, but just know, that if you are suffering you are not alone. Seek help from friends, family, doctors. Your life is full of worth, and so are you. Don't let your eating disorder define you, it won't make you feel happy or let your wonderful personality shine through. I am done with this game, and although I am so far from being a recovered, having the desire to change is a pretty big thing in itself.
Stacey
The past few days have been super super difficult. I managed to be restriction free for a week, but on Friday I started restricting again, although today I have been eating quite normally so far so fingers crossed. I feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to keep my streak going, but as I have said before, I cannot expect to reverse all of this immediately. I hate that this is such a big part of my life, I hate that it worms its way back in in any which way it can. I hate that this has controlled me for so long and it still does all the time. Even though I promote body positivity among my friends and a healthy lifestyle, to do this myself is nigh impossible. It's like having a friend with you all the time, but the friend is a really horrible nasty person who is rude to you, belittles you for taking care of yourself. You would not let someone do that to you, but yet I let myself do it to myself every day. It is odd, how we as humans, never seem to be able to take our own advice when it applies to us. I guess it is just that I do not want other people to feel the way I do, so I try and protect them from this sort of thing. Even if it is too late for me, it is not too late for them to nip it in the bud. If any of you feel as if you are wanting to diet excessively, overexercise, feel guilty for eating....please seek help as soon as you can. If you feel these sort of thoughts creeping in to your brain, then please please, I beg you to seek help as soon as you notice it. It really is not worth giving up your life, social life, work etc for the sake of being skinny and sick. It won't make you happy, and I am speaking from a place of knowledge.
I am not really sure what else I can say, as my life has been so uneventful lately. But I have set myself a little goal: Before the end of the semester, I want to be able to go to a restaurant, eat food and socialise without guilt, distress or restricting/compensatory behaviours. It seems so normal and silly to the rest of you, I bet, but it is a scary thing for me to do. Restaurants intimidate me, I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me based on what I am eating and my weight, so I will keep the updates coming in regards to if I meet this goal.
I think tomorrow, I am going to post about something I call "skinny searching". I've wanted to talk and explain this for a while and it seems like the time now. I also plan to explain my love for Frozen as well and how stuff like YouTube/Film/Books have been an inspiration source to me and a support resource. Also, I kinda want to start doing some vloggs (if I only I had a fucking camera and editing software) and/or singing covers as well, as they are passions for me and stuff I am interested in. Maybe I will make language posts/year abroad prep posts. I want to branch out my blog to more cheerful things, so it won't be so depressing.
RANDOM NOTE: As anyone who knows me well, they know how much I LOVE LOVE cereal. Well I went to tesco last night and bought Reeses puffs cereal....THAT'S RIGHT. CEREAL MADE FROM REESES. I watched a YouTuber, Mike Jeavons (check it out, he is super super funny) try it and say it was salty....I bought it, because I did not think it was possible for cereal to be salty. Well he was correct, it is salty. I would rate it a 4.5/10 on the cereal scale. It is a bigger disappointment than I am.
That's all I can find in me to post today, but just know, that if you are suffering you are not alone. Seek help from friends, family, doctors. Your life is full of worth, and so are you. Don't let your eating disorder define you, it won't make you feel happy or let your wonderful personality shine through. I am done with this game, and although I am so far from being a recovered, having the desire to change is a pretty big thing in itself.
Stacey
Thursday, 29 October 2015
Today was a tricky one
So today was a bit of a tricky one. I ended up re downloading the fitness app, which I am trying to not beat myself up about too much. I had a feeling it was going to happen. While I emotionally struggled a lot today, I did manage to eat normally again, so I at least have that to be proud of today. I was so close to cutting back again and receeding in to restriction, but I forced myself to eat. I told myself "You have to do this. You NEED to do this, no matter how much it makes you hurt". Every mouthful felt like a chore today, but, I managed it and I am pleased to say I have been restriction free for one whole week. It honestly feels like forever, and I am not sure how much I can keep it up. As the mental discomfort grows higher (as it is doing) then the calories consumed drops. Anorexia is not simply a weight below a normal level, although it is often a consequence of this, it is the mental anguish and upset you feel because of food. It is the hatred and lack of respect you have for yourself, the disgust and greed you feel from eating the tiniest portions. I can already hear my brain telling me "It is okay to do this. Just stop eating a little bit, it will be okay", and I know that the longer I hear this, the more likely I am to restrict and starve. I am still waiting on an appointment with the Eating Disorder service in Nottingham, and I really do not know how much longer I can wait as I am growing more and more upset with myself each day for simply eating what people think is a normal amount, I cannot do this on my own, but until they send me my appointment, then I have to do this on my own. I can see my scales out of the corner of my eye and I have not stepped on them in a week, mostly out of fear that I will have gained all the lost weight back, despite the fact I do not think it is possibly to gain 5kg in a week unless you are eating a ridiculous amount of food, but even one kg will be upsetting to see. I am trying to put off stepping on them, but my compulsion is growing stronger. Why is this so hard? I wish I could wish it all away, go back in time and stop my past self from ever starting off this stupid fucking diet anyway. It seems like no matter what I do, then this will some how have a hold of me anyway. It feels pointless trying to rid myself of this, when I feel as if it has already ruined everything far too much anyway. This has cost me friends, a boyfriend, grades and I have missed so many opportunities, why stop now I think? But, here I am, still trying slowly to overcome this, Even though it is only one week, it has been the largest mental challenge possible. I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow being that way, it's only time before it snaps back in to my system, but who knows? I know I cannot wish it away in a week, but at the same time I am so impatient and pissed off with myself for justifying my disordered thoughts, that it feels pointless to even try any more? I don't know, I feel as if my writing today is incoherent and a big ramble of nonsense but I can't really tell, I never view what I do in a positive light, which is exactly the kind of attitude which got me to this point in the first place. I know all I can do is try my best, I am just annoyed with myself as it is not good enough.
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
Bye Bye MyFitnessPal
Today I finally deleted my fitness calorie counting app. You are probably thinking "Well Stacey, that's not much? What could that possibly do?". I guess I understand that not everyone has such an attachment to calories and calorie goals, but for me this feels like a huge step. That app is the lifeline to my Eating Disorder, it keeps it alive with its constant notifications blurting out from the screen. It is (was) both a source of comfort and fear for me, it put me both at ease and on edge, depending on what sort of stuff I had eaten that day. I probably should have deleted it a long time ago, because perhaps if I did, then I would not have gotten so deep into this rather intimidating world of calories and weight. But I cannot change that now, but I can change what happens from here on out which is exactly what I am trying to do. I have managed to not restrict for 5 days now, but I can already feel myself telling myself that it's okay if I don't eat all day, or it's okay to calorie count and want to lose weight. It feels that no matter what I do then this is going to be here forever, to some degree. I can feel myself getting upset with myself when I think about food, I'm starting to check my body excessively and I am not really sure how to combat that, without resorting to starving myself slowly. It still occupies most of my thoughts and makes it so hard to concentrate on work, when I am just about able to make it through the day. I have deleted the app in the past, but everytime I have gone running back the next day and continued on my quest to lose weight and become ever and ever smaller. I know that if this happens again, then it is not really anything to be ashamed of, as you cannot expect to reverse over 20 months worth of behaviours in a week, as much as I would love for that to happen it is completely unrealistic. Even though I am eating more, I still feel fat and want to lose more weight, but I remember reading on some support page that positive body image is the last thing to come back and is a lifelong battle for some people with Eating Disorders- regardless of the type they have. I'm trying to not let myself get too upset and distracted by what I have eaten today, but it's nagging at me the more and more I go out of my food comfort zone. Although yesterday I managed to eat some pasta in a class environment- and I did not feel judged or overwhelmed by eating one of my "Fear foods" in front of my peers. I've not counted my calories for 5 days now, such a short amount of time but it truly feels like forever to me! I hope this day does not take a turn for the worse and that my emotions won't get the best of me today. I will say though, not feeling hungry/hangry all the time is probably the best feeling every, I had almost forgotten what it feels like to be normally full (and not full because you did not eat for so long that you binged on food, which happened to me from time to time). If anything, at least that's motivation to eat more.
Sunday, 25 October 2015
When Stacey met PewDiePie
I met PewDiePie! I queued for around four and a half hours and it was so worth it, especially when I walked up and said "Alright alright alright" and he replied "Alright, Matthew McConaughey"- if you are a bro you will get the joke. I wrote him a letter, so I hope he ends up reading it but judging by the pile of gifts he got I imagine a small thing would have got lost among the amazing things I saw. I just wanna say that his videos mean a lot to me, among many other YouTubers. His content never fails to cheer me up when I feel down, hungry, guilty or lonely. While to most of you he is just some crazy YouTuber, for me and others his content helps them get through a bad day! Thank you PewDiePie for all your hard work and being so genuine, down to earth and just down right hilarious! Your videos mean so much to me, I know that they will be there to support me through my Anorexia recovery and there to give me a good laugh. Keep up the good work, stay awesome bro! And if you are a bro reading this who could not go to the signing, you can still buy the book! It really is quite funny
:)
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