Memes and Dreams: A long absence has ended: sad things and the happy things too.

It really has been a long, long time since I updated this (around 8 months I think), as my year abroad is coming up, I wanted to reactivate thing, but first I will explain why I have been inactive here. It's something very personal and very close to me, but I feel ready to share it with the wider world, get ready as it is going to be a long one (get a cuppa and a biscuit)

Things have been great with my eating (I have recently gone vegan, yay!!!) and I am so so proud of the progress that I have made in regards to that. However in march or so, my mood began to shift. I noticed I felt down far more often, I did not want to leave the house. I did not want to talk to people. I slept a lot and hardly did any work. All I could think of was how terrible I was, how stupid and unworthy of my university place I was, how worthless and pointless my life was. I would cut myself more often and sit in my room and drink wine and cider, sometimes I would just get drunk alone. I had days where I felt rosy, like life was ok, but it would always end quicker than it ever lasted. March and April are such a blur in my mind, I cannot remember much as I did not pay attention to things, I did not care enough to.

Then came May and June, which of course brung exams. I was in a panic, I could not cope. Having had to deal with anorexia in the first semester and now a worsening mood condition, I felt like I had no chance of success. I was not smart enough to succeed, I may as well drop out, run away or even die, I felt lonely, worried, panicked, worthless and unlovable. I just chalked it up to normal exam stress, but this really was not the case. In hindsight, I can see this was just a precursor to what happened to me in the end of june and start of july. I take all my exams, in various states of anxiety. I had tried to revise for them all, but it usually ended in tears. I was not as good as any of my friends or classmates, my life was not as valuable as theirs so why should I bother anyway? On one exam I stared at the wall for an hour until I could leave, I did not answer a single question. I could not even cry afterwards, I was so numb and defeated. My body and mind had given up completely and nothing mattered. Waiting for the results killed me, I cried and worried so often I cannot even tell you. Then rolls around the day of my results, I do not want to go, I feel sick. Like if I go and get them I'm suddenly going to die. But, I do, I go, slightly tipsy, feeling like I won't be able to face it sober, My average and grades are not good, I stared at this number and I just felt empty, here was the numerical proof that me and my efforts were all totally worthless. Why bother? You can't do it. You don't have friends anyway. Nobody cares, why keep living. I heard that on a daily basis, until it got too much to me and I attempted to overdose on fluoxetine, not once, but twice in one week in fact. Physically, it did no damage to me, but mentally it has scarred me so much. I forget most of what happened in the hospital, just mostly lying down, staring at the walls, feeling like I was a failure even at dying. What use was I, I cannot even die properly, was a key thought. I was allowed out both times and thankfully I was not forcibly hospitalised, or I likely would be unable to do my year abroad. I do remember watching youtube (anyone who knows me youtube is my life) even in that time, thanks to funny gamers such as jacksepticeye, pewdiepie and the yogscast, I was able to laugh a little bit and feel less empty and in despair.

While I said it has not physically effected me, it has certainly left many emotional scars on my brain. Ranging from guilt to hurting other people, to anger that I cannot even succeed at things which seem so easy. It's not a choice or an event I am proud of, it's something I regret every day of my life. Because of this I caused my family and friends to worry for me, I risked all the things I had dreamed of as a child (languages have been my passion from a young age), my children would never be born, my spouse would never marry me, I would never get to see or do so many of the things. Because of this, one of the people I was very close to this year, will now no longer speak to me because of the upset I cause them (I still miss them very much, they know who they are) and I will never get to apologise to them, I will have to live with this forever. I thought things would never get better and that I would just keep doing it until one day I did not have to. Once again, I have indeed been proved wrong and very happily so. Since then, I have been put on new medication, my family and friends have given so much support and comfort, I cannot thank them enough. I was medically cleared to go on my year abroad and while things have not been perfect, they really do prove that life is worth living.

I want to share this so no one else there ever has to make this stupid and foolish choice that I made, please, do not do it. It is not worth it, I promise. Seek help from friends, family, doctors, psychiatrists. These sort of conditions cannot be fought alone, you need other people, which is something I have had to accept and learn that asking for help is ok and not weak at all. Mental health is crucial, it is not to be stigmatised at all, it is real and dangerous when not cared for properly. Please treat it and treat people kindly, even if you do not like them, you do not know for sure what battle goes on in their brains. I hope that people out there will feel encouraged that even someone like me has managed to crawl away from something as awful as this, which means YOU can too. Even if you just need someone to talk to, whether it is me or someone else, just do it, I promise. Do it for your family, your friends, yourself, your future self as well. You are not alone in this.

Now that I have all the sad things out of the way, I can look to the happy and exciting news of the future. On the 1st of October I go to russia for 3 months! I will be in Petrozavodsk and I shall update this blog as often as time and internet connection allows. I shall also, probably be starting a vlog on YouTube, to show people what Russia and my life is like. If I get a decent enough computer in the future, I'll even play a game or two. I've always wanted to make content to help people through a bad time, where they can learn something new and be entertained so this could be the start of that dream. I'm hoping people will watch it. I also went to my first MCM and i58 and I met the YogsCast twice there! It was a real dream come true, I love these guys so much and I owe them a lot, for helping me laugh in the dark times. I am hoping to meet them a 3rd time (hopefully Jacksepticeye one day too!) with my brother in tow.

This is the end of this particular entry, I hope you learned something reading and felt happy by the end, that someone recovered from a bad event, showing you really can get through anything in life. It would not be a true Stacey post, if there were no memes included, please enjoy the following pictures which I love, for no real reason at all. See you next time, with an update on Russia (and maybe youtube)