Sorry for not posting for a few days, I planned to post on the weekend but on Saturday I was working at Oktoberfest all day and I felt so tired and swamped on Sunday that I decided to just rest. This week I have a reading week so no classes, but plenty of work to be getting on with! I've got to write some German pretend job application as it is coursework and I am waiting on my results for my Russian-English translation coursework, after looking at my friends' work I feel as if I will have failed miserably.
The past few days have been super super difficult. I managed to be restriction free for a week, but on Friday I started restricting again, although today I have been eating quite normally so far so fingers crossed. I feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to keep my streak going, but as I have said before, I cannot expect to reverse all of this immediately. I hate that this is such a big part of my life, I hate that it worms its way back in in any which way it can. I hate that this has controlled me for so long and it still does all the time. Even though I promote body positivity among my friends and a healthy lifestyle, to do this myself is nigh impossible. It's like having a friend with you all the time, but the friend is a really horrible nasty person who is rude to you, belittles you for taking care of yourself. You would not let someone do that to you, but yet I let myself do it to myself every day. It is odd, how we as humans, never seem to be able to take our own advice when it applies to us. I guess it is just that I do not want other people to feel the way I do, so I try and protect them from this sort of thing. Even if it is too late for me, it is not too late for them to nip it in the bud. If any of you feel as if you are wanting to diet excessively, overexercise, feel guilty for eating....please seek help as soon as you can. If you feel these sort of thoughts creeping in to your brain, then please please, I beg you to seek help as soon as you notice it. It really is not worth giving up your life, social life, work etc for the sake of being skinny and sick. It won't make you happy, and I am speaking from a place of knowledge.
I am not really sure what else I can say, as my life has been so uneventful lately. But I have set myself a little goal: Before the end of the semester, I want to be able to go to a restaurant, eat food and socialise without guilt, distress or restricting/compensatory behaviours. It seems so normal and silly to the rest of you, I bet, but it is a scary thing for me to do. Restaurants intimidate me, I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me based on what I am eating and my weight, so I will keep the updates coming in regards to if I meet this goal.
I think tomorrow, I am going to post about something I call "skinny searching". I've wanted to talk and explain this for a while and it seems like the time now. I also plan to explain my love for Frozen as well and how stuff like YouTube/Film/Books have been an inspiration source to me and a support resource. Also, I kinda want to start doing some vloggs (if I only I had a fucking camera and editing software) and/or singing covers as well, as they are passions for me and stuff I am interested in. Maybe I will make language posts/year abroad prep posts. I want to branch out my blog to more cheerful things, so it won't be so depressing.
RANDOM NOTE: As anyone who knows me well, they know how much I LOVE LOVE cereal. Well I went to tesco last night and bought Reeses puffs cereal....THAT'S RIGHT. CEREAL MADE FROM REESES. I watched a YouTuber, Mike Jeavons (check it out, he is super super funny) try it and say it was salty....I bought it, because I did not think it was possible for cereal to be salty. Well he was correct, it is salty. I would rate it a 4.5/10 on the cereal scale. It is a bigger disappointment than I am.
That's all I can find in me to post today, but just know, that if you are suffering you are not alone. Seek help from friends, family, doctors. Your life is full of worth, and so are you. Don't let your eating disorder define you, it won't make you feel happy or let your wonderful personality shine through. I am done with this game, and although I am so far from being a recovered, having the desire to change is a pretty big thing in itself.
Stacey
Wednesday 4 November 2015
Thursday 29 October 2015
Today was a tricky one
So today was a bit of a tricky one. I ended up re downloading the fitness app, which I am trying to not beat myself up about too much. I had a feeling it was going to happen. While I emotionally struggled a lot today, I did manage to eat normally again, so I at least have that to be proud of today. I was so close to cutting back again and receeding in to restriction, but I forced myself to eat. I told myself "You have to do this. You NEED to do this, no matter how much it makes you hurt". Every mouthful felt like a chore today, but, I managed it and I am pleased to say I have been restriction free for one whole week. It honestly feels like forever, and I am not sure how much I can keep it up. As the mental discomfort grows higher (as it is doing) then the calories consumed drops. Anorexia is not simply a weight below a normal level, although it is often a consequence of this, it is the mental anguish and upset you feel because of food. It is the hatred and lack of respect you have for yourself, the disgust and greed you feel from eating the tiniest portions. I can already hear my brain telling me "It is okay to do this. Just stop eating a little bit, it will be okay", and I know that the longer I hear this, the more likely I am to restrict and starve. I am still waiting on an appointment with the Eating Disorder service in Nottingham, and I really do not know how much longer I can wait as I am growing more and more upset with myself each day for simply eating what people think is a normal amount, I cannot do this on my own, but until they send me my appointment, then I have to do this on my own. I can see my scales out of the corner of my eye and I have not stepped on them in a week, mostly out of fear that I will have gained all the lost weight back, despite the fact I do not think it is possibly to gain 5kg in a week unless you are eating a ridiculous amount of food, but even one kg will be upsetting to see. I am trying to put off stepping on them, but my compulsion is growing stronger. Why is this so hard? I wish I could wish it all away, go back in time and stop my past self from ever starting off this stupid fucking diet anyway. It seems like no matter what I do, then this will some how have a hold of me anyway. It feels pointless trying to rid myself of this, when I feel as if it has already ruined everything far too much anyway. This has cost me friends, a boyfriend, grades and I have missed so many opportunities, why stop now I think? But, here I am, still trying slowly to overcome this, Even though it is only one week, it has been the largest mental challenge possible. I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow being that way, it's only time before it snaps back in to my system, but who knows? I know I cannot wish it away in a week, but at the same time I am so impatient and pissed off with myself for justifying my disordered thoughts, that it feels pointless to even try any more? I don't know, I feel as if my writing today is incoherent and a big ramble of nonsense but I can't really tell, I never view what I do in a positive light, which is exactly the kind of attitude which got me to this point in the first place. I know all I can do is try my best, I am just annoyed with myself as it is not good enough.
Tuesday 27 October 2015
Bye Bye MyFitnessPal
Today I finally deleted my fitness calorie counting app. You are probably thinking "Well Stacey, that's not much? What could that possibly do?". I guess I understand that not everyone has such an attachment to calories and calorie goals, but for me this feels like a huge step. That app is the lifeline to my Eating Disorder, it keeps it alive with its constant notifications blurting out from the screen. It is (was) both a source of comfort and fear for me, it put me both at ease and on edge, depending on what sort of stuff I had eaten that day. I probably should have deleted it a long time ago, because perhaps if I did, then I would not have gotten so deep into this rather intimidating world of calories and weight. But I cannot change that now, but I can change what happens from here on out which is exactly what I am trying to do. I have managed to not restrict for 5 days now, but I can already feel myself telling myself that it's okay if I don't eat all day, or it's okay to calorie count and want to lose weight. It feels that no matter what I do then this is going to be here forever, to some degree. I can feel myself getting upset with myself when I think about food, I'm starting to check my body excessively and I am not really sure how to combat that, without resorting to starving myself slowly. It still occupies most of my thoughts and makes it so hard to concentrate on work, when I am just about able to make it through the day. I have deleted the app in the past, but everytime I have gone running back the next day and continued on my quest to lose weight and become ever and ever smaller. I know that if this happens again, then it is not really anything to be ashamed of, as you cannot expect to reverse over 20 months worth of behaviours in a week, as much as I would love for that to happen it is completely unrealistic. Even though I am eating more, I still feel fat and want to lose more weight, but I remember reading on some support page that positive body image is the last thing to come back and is a lifelong battle for some people with Eating Disorders- regardless of the type they have. I'm trying to not let myself get too upset and distracted by what I have eaten today, but it's nagging at me the more and more I go out of my food comfort zone. Although yesterday I managed to eat some pasta in a class environment- and I did not feel judged or overwhelmed by eating one of my "Fear foods" in front of my peers. I've not counted my calories for 5 days now, such a short amount of time but it truly feels like forever to me! I hope this day does not take a turn for the worse and that my emotions won't get the best of me today. I will say though, not feeling hungry/hangry all the time is probably the best feeling every, I had almost forgotten what it feels like to be normally full (and not full because you did not eat for so long that you binged on food, which happened to me from time to time). If anything, at least that's motivation to eat more.
Sunday 25 October 2015
When Stacey met PewDiePie
I met PewDiePie! I queued for around four and a half hours and it was so worth it, especially when I walked up and said "Alright alright alright" and he replied "Alright, Matthew McConaughey"- if you are a bro you will get the joke. I wrote him a letter, so I hope he ends up reading it but judging by the pile of gifts he got I imagine a small thing would have got lost among the amazing things I saw. I just wanna say that his videos mean a lot to me, among many other YouTubers. His content never fails to cheer me up when I feel down, hungry, guilty or lonely. While to most of you he is just some crazy YouTuber, for me and others his content helps them get through a bad day! Thank you PewDiePie for all your hard work and being so genuine, down to earth and just down right hilarious! Your videos mean so much to me, I know that they will be there to support me through my Anorexia recovery and there to give me a good laugh. Keep up the good work, stay awesome bro! And if you are a bro reading this who could not go to the signing, you can still buy the book! It really is quite funny
:)
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Introductions n that.
I am not really as to why I developed Anorexia, or why it happened when it did, but here I am, over a year and half later poised towards the path of recovery. What a terrifying thought.
I remember in May/June of 2014, my boyfriend at the time said he wanted to start jogging and keeping fit. I'm not saying it is his fault, but this was the final trigger to my brain. I decided that month to download a fitness app and start getting "fit" and "healthy" at the same time as him. I remember checking packets of food for the calorie information and being shocked. Was that really how much I had been eating? how could I have been so blind to the calorie information?. I remember setting my calorie limit to 1200 a day. Every day, little by little by little, I slowly dropped that number. If I could just eat 900, then 800 and so on and so on, until I began to limit myself to 500 a day. Every time I went over that limit, I felt guilty, bad, wrong. Every time I gave in to hunger when I ate, I would mentally (and I do still do this) berate myself for eating. I would look in the mirror and find more and more faults with myself. I felt so imperfect and fat, I thought that if I ate less and lost weight, then I would become happier. I lied to my family and friends about what I was doing (and still do to some extent). I shut people out. I lost the very small amount of confidence that I had. I did not really realise that that was the reason why, I thought it meant I needed to try harder and harder to lose weight. I became very competitive and wanted it more and more. Even now as I write this, knowing I want out, I still do want that. Eating normally for me....I usually last about 4 days (which is where I am at now and I can feel the rubber band starting to ping back) before that terrible voice in my head creeps back and promises to be the answer to all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment.
Not long after the dieting began, I also began to look at images. So called "thinspo" and "pro ana" sites, one of which I am still a member/poster on- my brain is still too scared to give it up- and feeling more and more inadequate. I did not really have a problem, I am not that thin. They're really ill, I'm okay I can still function and do things, I told my self. While I do still frequent these sites, this sort of glorifying of anorexia/bulimia/BED/EDNOS etc truly is disgusting. It was one of the things which really set my problems in motion and contribute to the inadequacy I feel on a day to day basis. People supporting each other in recovery can also be found there, but there is also thinspo, tips and tricks and encouraging threads on how to lose more weight etc. My advice is to never go there, don't look at it. It will upset you regardless and if you are like me, and you already have low self esteem in the first place, it could trigger off something like this or another mental health issue. These sites are truly awful places, full of half starved people looking to be happy in themselves, I understand that though. I still think maybe if I lost weight then I would be happier. But the fact is, if I lost any more, then I would not be allowed to stay at University or possibly have to miss out on my year abroad. Which is not something I want to do very eagerly. Besides weight loss/being thin, my grades are the only thing that come close to meaning as much to me, so I am very eager to keep that by me, or things surely would get worse.
And now here I am, typing this blog entry that no one will likely read, but I am doing it anyway because I feel a strong strong drive to talk about my experiences, to warn others, inform the uninformed or simply just be someone that someone can relate to. I am going to try and share my experiences here in a positive way, and hopefully this will encourage me to not run back to starving myself, shutting myself away and being miserable.
Any way that is all I have time for right now, as on a rather happy note, I am off to meet a certain YouTuber later today (possible selfies may or may not be uploaded later...) and need to get to the train station. If you read this, then thank you for taking the time to do so! And if you are struggling with an eating disorder, then just know that you aren't alone, that while help and recovery will take a long time (for me I feel as if this will be a thing I carry with me throughout my whole life) and be a life long process, ultimately, it surely must be worth it. For the people who don't recover, well...they often are not around to tell us if it was worth losing all that weight.
I want to thank all the people who have/are supporting me, whether they are friends, family, teachers or my super cute pug Winston (I know you can't read but this is mostly for you my chubby little cutie!).
See you around n that!
Stacey :) x
I remember in May/June of 2014, my boyfriend at the time said he wanted to start jogging and keeping fit. I'm not saying it is his fault, but this was the final trigger to my brain. I decided that month to download a fitness app and start getting "fit" and "healthy" at the same time as him. I remember checking packets of food for the calorie information and being shocked. Was that really how much I had been eating? how could I have been so blind to the calorie information?. I remember setting my calorie limit to 1200 a day. Every day, little by little by little, I slowly dropped that number. If I could just eat 900, then 800 and so on and so on, until I began to limit myself to 500 a day. Every time I went over that limit, I felt guilty, bad, wrong. Every time I gave in to hunger when I ate, I would mentally (and I do still do this) berate myself for eating. I would look in the mirror and find more and more faults with myself. I felt so imperfect and fat, I thought that if I ate less and lost weight, then I would become happier. I lied to my family and friends about what I was doing (and still do to some extent). I shut people out. I lost the very small amount of confidence that I had. I did not really realise that that was the reason why, I thought it meant I needed to try harder and harder to lose weight. I became very competitive and wanted it more and more. Even now as I write this, knowing I want out, I still do want that. Eating normally for me....I usually last about 4 days (which is where I am at now and I can feel the rubber band starting to ping back) before that terrible voice in my head creeps back and promises to be the answer to all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment.
Not long after the dieting began, I also began to look at images. So called "thinspo" and "pro ana" sites, one of which I am still a member/poster on- my brain is still too scared to give it up- and feeling more and more inadequate. I did not really have a problem, I am not that thin. They're really ill, I'm okay I can still function and do things, I told my self. While I do still frequent these sites, this sort of glorifying of anorexia/bulimia/BED/EDNOS etc truly is disgusting. It was one of the things which really set my problems in motion and contribute to the inadequacy I feel on a day to day basis. People supporting each other in recovery can also be found there, but there is also thinspo, tips and tricks and encouraging threads on how to lose more weight etc. My advice is to never go there, don't look at it. It will upset you regardless and if you are like me, and you already have low self esteem in the first place, it could trigger off something like this or another mental health issue. These sites are truly awful places, full of half starved people looking to be happy in themselves, I understand that though. I still think maybe if I lost weight then I would be happier. But the fact is, if I lost any more, then I would not be allowed to stay at University or possibly have to miss out on my year abroad. Which is not something I want to do very eagerly. Besides weight loss/being thin, my grades are the only thing that come close to meaning as much to me, so I am very eager to keep that by me, or things surely would get worse.
And now here I am, typing this blog entry that no one will likely read, but I am doing it anyway because I feel a strong strong drive to talk about my experiences, to warn others, inform the uninformed or simply just be someone that someone can relate to. I am going to try and share my experiences here in a positive way, and hopefully this will encourage me to not run back to starving myself, shutting myself away and being miserable.
Any way that is all I have time for right now, as on a rather happy note, I am off to meet a certain YouTuber later today (possible selfies may or may not be uploaded later...) and need to get to the train station. If you read this, then thank you for taking the time to do so! And if you are struggling with an eating disorder, then just know that you aren't alone, that while help and recovery will take a long time (for me I feel as if this will be a thing I carry with me throughout my whole life) and be a life long process, ultimately, it surely must be worth it. For the people who don't recover, well...they often are not around to tell us if it was worth losing all that weight.
I want to thank all the people who have/are supporting me, whether they are friends, family, teachers or my super cute pug Winston (I know you can't read but this is mostly for you my chubby little cutie!).
See you around n that!
Stacey :) x
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