Introductions n that.

I am not really as to why I developed Anorexia, or why it happened when it did, but here I am, over a year and half later poised towards the path of recovery. What a terrifying thought.
I remember in May/June of 2014, my boyfriend at the time said he wanted to start jogging and keeping fit. I'm not saying it is his fault, but this was the final trigger to my brain. I decided that month to download a fitness app and start getting "fit" and "healthy" at the same time as him. I remember checking packets of food for the calorie information and being shocked. Was that really how much I had been eating? how could I have been so blind to the calorie information?. I remember setting my calorie limit to 1200 a day. Every day, little by little by little, I slowly dropped that number. If I could just eat 900, then 800 and so on and so on, until I began to limit myself to 500 a day. Every time I went over that limit, I felt guilty, bad, wrong. Every time I gave in to hunger when I ate, I would mentally (and I do still do this) berate myself for eating. I would look in the mirror and find more and more faults with myself. I felt so imperfect and fat, I thought that if I ate less and lost weight, then I would become happier. I lied to my family and friends about what I was doing (and still do to some extent). I shut people out. I lost the very small amount of confidence that I had. I did not really realise that that was the reason why, I thought it meant I needed to try harder and harder to lose weight. I became very competitive and wanted it more and more. Even now as I write this, knowing I want out, I still do want that. Eating normally for me....I usually last about 4 days (which is where I am at now and I can feel the rubber band starting to ping back) before that terrible voice in my head creeps back and promises to be the answer to all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment.

Not long after the dieting began, I also began to look at images. So called "thinspo" and "pro ana" sites, one of which I am still a member/poster on- my brain is still too scared to give it up- and feeling more and more inadequate. I did not really have a problem, I am not that thin. They're really ill, I'm okay I can still function and do things, I told my self. While I do still frequent these sites, this sort of glorifying of anorexia/bulimia/BED/EDNOS etc truly is disgusting. It was one of the things which really set my problems in motion and contribute to the inadequacy I feel on a day to day basis. People supporting each other in recovery can also be found there, but there is also thinspo, tips and tricks and encouraging threads on how to lose more weight etc. My advice is to never go there, don't look at it. It will upset you regardless and if you are like me, and you already have low self esteem in the first place, it could trigger off something like this or another mental health issue. These sites are truly awful places, full of half starved people looking to be happy in themselves, I understand that though. I still think maybe if I lost weight then I would be happier. But the fact is, if I lost any more, then I would not be allowed to stay at University or possibly have to miss out on my year abroad. Which is not something I want to do very eagerly. Besides weight loss/being thin, my grades are the only thing that come close to meaning as much to me, so I am very eager to keep that by me, or things surely would get worse.

And now here I am, typing this blog entry that no one will likely read, but I am doing it anyway because I feel a strong strong drive to talk about my experiences, to warn others, inform the uninformed or simply just be someone that someone can relate to. I am going to try and share my experiences here in a positive way, and hopefully this will encourage me to not run back to starving myself, shutting myself away and being miserable.

Any way that is all I have time for right now, as on a rather happy note, I am off to meet a certain YouTuber later today (possible selfies may or may not be uploaded later...) and need to get to the train station. If you read this, then thank you for taking the time to do so! And if you are struggling with an eating disorder, then just know that you aren't alone, that while help and recovery will take a long time (for me I feel as if this will be a thing I carry with me throughout my whole life) and be a life long process, ultimately, it surely must be worth it. For the people who don't recover, well...they often are not around to tell us if it was worth losing all that weight.

I want to thank all the people who have/are supporting me, whether they are friends, family, teachers or my super cute pug Winston (I know you can't read but this is mostly for you my chubby little cutie!).

See you around n that!

Stacey :) x