Today was a tricky one

So today was a bit of a tricky one. I ended up re downloading the fitness app, which I am trying to not beat myself up about too much. I had a feeling it was going to happen.  While I emotionally struggled a lot today, I did manage to eat normally again, so I at least have that to be proud of today. I was so close to cutting back again and receeding in to restriction, but I forced myself to eat. I told myself "You have to do this. You NEED to do this, no matter how much it makes you hurt". Every mouthful felt like a chore today, but, I managed it and I am pleased to say I have been restriction free for one whole week. It honestly feels like forever, and I am not sure how much I can keep it up. As the mental discomfort grows higher (as it is doing) then the calories consumed drops. Anorexia is not simply a weight below a normal level, although it is often a consequence of this, it is the mental anguish and upset you feel because of food. It is the hatred and lack of respect you have for yourself, the disgust and greed you feel from eating the tiniest portions. I can already hear my brain telling me "It is okay to do this. Just stop eating a little bit, it will be okay", and I know that the longer I hear this, the more likely I am to restrict and starve. I am still waiting on an appointment with the Eating Disorder service in Nottingham, and I really do not know how much longer I can wait as I am growing more and more upset with myself each day for simply eating what people think is a normal amount, I cannot do this on my own, but until they send me my appointment, then I have to do this on my own. I can see my scales out of the corner of my eye and I have not stepped on them in a week, mostly out of fear that I will have gained all the lost weight back, despite the fact I do not think it is possibly to gain 5kg in a week unless you are eating a ridiculous amount of food, but even one kg will be upsetting to see. I am trying to put off stepping on them, but my compulsion is growing stronger. Why is this so hard? I wish I could wish it all away, go back in time and stop my past self from ever starting off this stupid fucking diet anyway. It seems like no matter what I do, then this will some how have a hold of me anyway. It feels pointless trying to rid myself of this, when I feel as if it has already ruined everything far too much anyway. This has cost me friends, a boyfriend, grades and I have missed so many opportunities, why stop now I think? But, here I am, still trying slowly to overcome this, Even though it is only one week, it has been the largest mental challenge possible. I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow being that way, it's only time before it snaps back in to my system, but who knows? I know I cannot wish it away in a week, but at the same time I am so impatient and pissed off with myself for justifying my disordered thoughts, that it feels pointless to even try any more? I don't know, I feel as if my writing today is incoherent and a big ramble of nonsense but I can't really tell, I never view what I do in a positive light, which is exactly the kind of attitude which got me to this point in the first place. I know all I can do is try my best, I am just annoyed with myself as it is not good enough.