Difficult days and general rambles

Sorry for not posting for a few days, I planned to post on the weekend but on Saturday I was working at Oktoberfest all day and I felt so tired and swamped on Sunday that I decided to just rest. This week I have a reading week so no classes, but plenty of work to be getting on with! I've got to write some German pretend job application as it is coursework and I am waiting on my results for my Russian-English translation coursework, after looking at my friends' work I feel as if I will have failed miserably.

The past few days have been super super difficult. I managed to be restriction free for a week, but on Friday I started restricting again, although today I have been eating quite normally so far so fingers crossed. I feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to keep my streak going, but as I have said before, I cannot expect to reverse all of this immediately. I hate that this is such a big part of my life, I hate that it worms its way back in in any which way it can. I hate that this has controlled me for so long and it still does all the time. Even though I promote body positivity among my friends and a healthy lifestyle, to do this myself is nigh impossible. It's like having a friend with you all the time, but the friend is a really horrible nasty person who is rude to you, belittles you for taking care of yourself. You would not let someone do that to you, but yet I let myself do it to myself every day. It is odd, how we as humans, never seem to be able to take our own advice when it applies to us. I guess it is just that I do not want other people to feel the way I do, so I try and protect them from this sort of thing. Even if it is too late for me, it is not too late for them to nip it in the bud.  If any of you feel as if you are wanting to diet excessively, overexercise, feel guilty for eating....please seek help as soon as you can. If you feel these sort of thoughts creeping in to your brain, then please please, I beg you to seek help as soon as you notice it. It really is not worth giving up your life, social life, work etc for the sake of being skinny and sick. It won't make you happy, and I am speaking from a place of knowledge.

I am not really sure what else I can say, as my life has been so uneventful lately. But I have set myself a little goal: Before the end of the semester, I want to be able to go to a restaurant, eat food and socialise without guilt, distress or restricting/compensatory behaviours. It seems so normal and silly to the rest of you, I bet, but it is a scary thing for me to do. Restaurants intimidate me, I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me based on what I am eating and my weight, so I will keep the updates coming in regards to if I meet this goal.

I think tomorrow, I am going to post about something I call "skinny searching". I've wanted to talk and explain this for a while and it seems like the time now. I also plan to explain my love for Frozen as well and how stuff like YouTube/Film/Books have been an inspiration source to me and a support resource. Also, I kinda want to start doing some vloggs (if I only I had a fucking camera and editing software) and/or singing covers as well, as they are passions for me and stuff I am interested in. Maybe I will make language posts/year abroad prep posts. I want to branch out my blog to more cheerful things, so it won't be so depressing.

RANDOM NOTE: As anyone who knows me well, they know how much I LOVE LOVE cereal. Well I went to tesco last night and bought Reeses puffs cereal....THAT'S RIGHT. CEREAL MADE FROM REESES. I watched a YouTuber, Mike Jeavons (check it out, he is super super funny) try it and say it was salty....I bought it, because I did not think it was possible for cereal to be salty. Well he was correct, it is salty. I would rate it a 4.5/10 on the cereal scale. It is a bigger disappointment than I am.

That's all I can find in me to post today, but just know, that if you are suffering you are not alone. Seek help from friends, family, doctors. Your life is full of worth, and so are you. Don't let your eating disorder define you, it won't make you feel happy or let your wonderful personality shine through. I am done with this game, and although I am so far from being a recovered, having the desire to change is a pretty big thing in itself.

Stacey